How To Stop Over-Giving and Still Have People Love You

Senin, Mei 12, 2008

Author: Veryl Rosenbaum

Page 1


You may be giving too much love, money, advice, time, care and
affection and not even realizing you are over-giving, creating
an out-of-balance situation in your relationships.
- Show quoted text -
complication can cause problems which perplex you! We can fix it!

If you suspect you give too much to others, welcome to the
"Over-Givers' Club!" We members share a number of
characteristics which arouse love, envy, gratitude and, much to
our surprise, anger in others. Our main personality attribute is
that we are not only extremely generous but we give too much. If
a child comes for dinner we start heaping on the food before
that "gift from heaven" sits down. When we go to someone's house
for lunch, as soon as the last sip of coffee passes our lips we
are cleaning up and scrubbing down the pots and pans before you
can blink an eye. We're the first one to offer to bring the main
dish for the pot luck, even though several predictable people
always fall asleep when the question is raised about that turkey
that needs to get cooked. We love to give of ourselves. We give
lots of love and sometimes too much, just like our over-abundant
food trays. We extend our charities before people ask for help,
but we often overwhelm them with our gracious assistance. We
enjoy giving advice. We love to offer our time to listen.

We were born with the care-givers' heart and find it very easy
to be an over-giver. We believe, despite reality, that everyone
finds generosity as simple to extend as we do. When folks are
miserly with their offers of help, money, food, wisdom and
affection, we think they can share those gifts as easily as we
do but, for some unknown reason, are emotionally withholding.
It's a big mystery to us, confounding and confusing. We ponder
why someone would not want to give of themselves to others. And
give lots and lots!

If you are not a member of this club, you probably know some who
is and maybe you can help them to stop over-giving, reassuring
them that people will actually love them more if they take the
big step into self-awareness. If you have recognized yourself in
the description, relax and learn how you can become an even more
wonderful person.


There is a wonderful sense of warm fulfillment when we are
giving to others. That arm around the shoulder, the hug when
someone needs affection, the sharing of food, money, time and
advice is a joy to those of us who find it a pleasure to give
Page two from the heart. The agenda to assist your journey from
an over giver to a realistic giver will not take away any of
that delightful feeling of sharing and caring. I can make this
promise because I have helped thousands of people stop
over-giving. I make you another promise also. You will have more
energy, creativity, serenity and mutual relationships that you
have ever experienced. You won't have to sit with a therapist to
find out why you over give. You won't have to take any tests or
make any confessions. All you have to be willing to do is to try
something new and easy. It's also cool that it doesn't cost a
dime! Please don't give me anything either!


For your own information please write down a few of your "Giving
Ways". To aid you in your list, some of "Giving Ways "can be:
Charity, Humor, Listening, Support in financial/ marital/
parenting, friendship and career crisis situations, Materials
like money/housing/ gifts and food, Professional giving of free
services, Smiles and Compliments. Please add to the list
whatever you love to share.

Next write a list of the "Rewards of Giving." They can be
plentiful; Happiness, Fulfillment, Joy, Glee of Sharing,
Bountiful, Sense of Purpose, Spiritually uplifting, Connections
to the Creator, Virtuousness and Closeness to Others. Let your
mind wander and enjoy the feelings you create when you are
giving to others on all different levels.

These two lists are profound and a large part of your sense of
self as a valuable person, willing to lend a hand in many
different ways. You are to be commended for devoting yourself to
the spiritual duty to share with your fellow man. There is
nothing negative in "Giving Ways" and "Rewards of Giving" as
long as the acts do harm. These positive personality traits are
treasures about yourself. People who are unable to give will
never experience the pleasures of being a generous individual.



The next easy step is to think of your generosity as a big apple
tree. You don't have to be an artist to draw a big tree with six
apples on it. Make the apples big enough to write inside of them
the different people or groups you feel you are super-generous
with. Most people put in different children, work groups,
charities, neighbors, etc. This "Sharing Tree" of yours in only
for your information, to give you a picture of the recipients of
your giving ways. Now draw some roots at the bottom of the tree
and at the end of the roots, honestly write in who is equally
giving to you.

If you are a member of the Over-Givers Club, you will probably,
if you are being

Page three

honest with yourself, find that the apples are getting a great
deal and that you are not being equally nourished. If you find
your apples and roots are equal, then you can be a helpmate to
someone who has discovered themselves to me an over-giver.


Even though we impulsively give to others and enjoy our acts
which come from the care-giver's heart, we are also human. It is
normal when you extend yourself on an emotional, spiritual or
materialistic level that you would expect something in return.
Your next list is to write down your expectations when you give.
Some of these reasonable desires: "Thank You," in voice or note,
Return of Favors, Love, Kindness, Gratitude through affection,
Friendship, Fellowship, Spiritual Enlightenment, Good luck, etc.
Do not be embarrassed is you have a longer list, as this
information is purely to understand yourself and move along into
the smooth path of becoming a realistic generous person.

It is also normal when our expectations, even if they are
modest, are not met. The over-giver may feel betrayed, lonely,
angry, confused and bitter. A good example is lending someone
money. They are grateful but then begin to avoid you. This is
always a surprise! You graciously sacrificed yourself and gave
money to your 'friend in need' and then you are shunned! You
might feel bitter when you then see the 'friend' that owes you
money, splurging on a new pair of shoes. The person becomes
irate if you ask for the money back after a reasonable time.
This anger adds to your sense of being "used and abused."
Oftentimes the friendship ends after lending someone money.
Please accept that your feelings surround these events are okay,
because they are your feelings. If you feel overwhelmed by them,
seek counseling with a therapist or religious advisor. Most life
coaches are sophisticated in the realm of anger and its attached
expressions of frustration.


To help you understand why people do not always respond to your
generosity with gratefulness and caring, let's talk about the
Emotional Ledger which most people carry within their
subconscious minds. Most people, when needy, hope one day to be
able to "even the score," and return the favors you have given
to them. When you over-give you create a "Burden of Gratitude"
to the receiver of your bounties. This creates a sense of
unworthiness because the people who you give too much money,
food, love, advice, compliments, time, etc., begin to feel they
can never catch up emotionally, materially or spiritually to
your over-abundance of giving. It may seem strange when you
'Just want to be your giving, loving self," but it is very true.
Most people, when asked, will admit they feel ungrateful,
uncomfortable and Page four

sometimes suffocated by over-giving friends, parents and
co-workers. It's hard to come right out and say that! They just
ease away from you, hoping they won't have to confront you with
their discomforts.

While you are honestly reviewing your behavior, picture of
person with their hands cupped in front of them. See you
"givingness" as a jug of water. You pour your gifts into the
cupped hands. The person feels the water filling up their hands,
but cannot feel the water that overflows when you continue to
pour water into their hands when they are full. This is a
picture of over-giving. The person can see the abundance, but
cannot really feel it because the are 'full'.



The first tool to begin the process of giving up over-giving is
to make friends with your intuition. Regardless of some cultural
beliefs that intuition is a female trait, intuition is a
instinctual survival skill which we all process. We may not pay
attention to our intuition but it is always present. Scientists
have now discovered the place in the brain where intuition
rests, (in the right brain hemisphere,) a fact psychotherapists
have always known.

Intuition is just another way of 'knowing." The right brain
activity is without the words and numbers in the left brain
hemisphere and you enter into this brain when you are drawing,
painting, creating music and poetry, imagining of all sorts,
etc. The intuitive brain has inner senses that 'gut feel'
situations and send out alarms for danger (fleeing or fighting)
or a sense of calmness when events are good for us. Our
intuition 'reads' people and thus we have our first, and
usually, lasting impressions of people. I believe that intuition
is a survival instinct which was much treasured as we made our
way through the dangers of history to become our modern day

Set some time aside to discuss how your intuition works for you
today and in the past. Share this knowledge with friends and
when you have accepted that the intuitive powers within you are
always working, you are ready to use this knowledge as your
major skill in become a emotionally balanced giver instead of an
over-giver. You may want to spend time learning how to meditate
to become comfortable with your intuitive brain. Meditation puts
you into the right side of your brain - home to the intuitive

Remembering the person with the 'cupped hands of need" accept
the fact that a person can only receive from you what they are
able to symbolically hold. Then write down this mantra for good
health and say it out loud.

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"I give my intuition the ability to always know exactly how
much each person can receive from me and only give that amount."

When you give your intuition this task, you never have to think
about it again. Since the intuition "knows" with its emotional
radar system, what people can receive, you will actually act
accordingly. The intuition, remember, comes from the part of the
brain without words, so you do not have to spend precious time
ruminating about what a person can 'receive." You will just


The second tool for becoming a realistic giving individual is a
simple visualization. I ask people to visualize (it takes about
a minute) everyday while they are brushing their teeth (you
usually aren't doing anything else!)

Close your eyes and see yourself standing on a beautiful beach
in front of the ocean. To your sides and behind you stand all
the people who you 'give' to with their hands cupped in front of
them. Think of your giving energy as a color which you love. See
a wave of your color energy begin to form and go out into the
ocean. See the splashes from your huge colorful wave fill the
cups of all the people who receive your gifts of love. See them
walk away with happy faces. You have so much to give that the
splashes take care of everyone! Then as the wave grows bigger to
go out into the universe, you (as the creator of the
visualization) turn the wave and bring it into your heart. You
may feel a sense of deep, loving power enter yourself. You may
not feel this, but that's ok. Just turn the wave of energy back
into you since it has completed it's task of filling your
receivers with as much as your love as they can handle.

Please do this visualization once a day, to set yourself in tune
with your devotion to being a realistic giver.

People have responded to this Intuitive and Wave Visualization
technique for many years and find they have more energy (work,
play, creativity, love) because of not over-giving. The biggest
reward is balanced relationships. No one actually notices that
you have stopped over-giving because they couldn't feel the
emotions that overflowed their 'needing cups.' However, they
feel more comfortable with you because the emotional ledger is
no longer burdened with you doing all the giving. Page six

One patient mentioned that she realized it "was a control issue"
with her, keeping people in 'many kinds of debt' to her where
they could only pay interest but never get to the principal!
Giving up the over-giving was easy, dealing with the control
issues was harder, but doable.

You do not have to figure out why you created yourself as an
over-giver, you only have to use your intuition and
visualization technique to swim into a better way of living.
Good luck and healthy giving!

About the author:
Veryl Rosenbaum, nationally certified psychoanalyst has authored
the books: Being Female, How To Avoid Divorce, Conquering
Loneliness and Living With Teenagers. "Spiritual based therapy
leads to deeper sense of self." www.drvdrea

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